The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.