The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Thursday Thought.