The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Perfect
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The game has officially changed 😎
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Baking is just science you can eat.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok