@liliths_lair: The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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@FunnyMojoJojo: I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek...
@Book_Krazy: CW: I think you're two-faced Me: Why don't you say that to my face CW: I just did! Me: No. My other face.
@AndyAsAdjective: [sound of can opening] wife: you're drinking a beer this early? me: c'mon...it's super bowl sunday wife: but we're still at church
@MikeZakarian: Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.