@liliths_lair: The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@marinhubka: [sifting through mail] baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
@KeetPotato: me: "we commemorate the day you died every year" jesus: "thats nice, what's the day called?" me: jesus: me: jesus: "keith?" me: "bad friday"