@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
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@XplodingUnicorn: Old high school classmate: Really? You're about to have your 4th child? Me: Are you surprised I like kids? Him: I'm surprised you had sex.
@ruinedpicnic: *shipwrecked diary* Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab Day 2: crab seems untrustworthy Day 3: CRA B LEAR N ING TO WRI TE
@AmishPornStar1: Never judge a book by its cover... Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
@NicestHippo: *walks into son's room to find a recording of him snoring* Dear God *dials 911* Help, a wizard turned my son into a 90's cassette player