Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
You Might Also Like
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.