@fart: the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat
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@crow_death: I'm going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.
@LlamaInaTux: The Seven Deadly Sins: 1. Envy 2. Gluttony 3. Greed 4. Lust 5. Pride 6. Calling Lego 'Legos' 7. Wrath
@daemonic3: [trying to impress fiancée's entire family] Waiter: Your bill for- Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE "SUBTOTAL"?!?
@DuaneABarrett: Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries." You know. Like a book.