every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
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*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Okay, I’m still confused…
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
the answer was staring at me all along
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good