The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
You Might Also Like
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.