The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂