The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse