@AndrewNadeau0: The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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@Mikecanrant: I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.
@thenatewolf: *Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
@DiscoFruit: [dies and goes to hell] me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!" dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."