The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.