A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
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How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I need a headline like this
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’