First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
You Might Also Like
I’m not average. I’m mean.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥