The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I鈥檒l just look at my 401k.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I鈥檓 the star of a Whitesnake video
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Guilty! 馃お
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You鈥檙e Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 馃槵
Monday?
No. Next question.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies