The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
You Might Also Like
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A friend helps you before you need it