A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
You Might Also Like
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
eggs benadryl
*bites zombie*
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?