@Mikecanrant: The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
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@rockymomax: [having sex] Her: HARDER! ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers? Her: 44&66 HARDER!
@pixelatedboat: When I die, PLEASE don't bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
@3sunzzz: I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn't sit down for four hours. Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
@RealDMK: I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out "stop it" every 30 min