The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
They’re stuck in your pants?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I love the honesty
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
🤣🤣🤣
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.