@lovemyboots111: The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.
@GrumpyComments: By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before. I hope it was worth it.
@BroIsMeeeee: "sir do u know why i pulled u over" *shrugs* "License- *hands cop box of crayons* "sir plea- *hands cop coloring book* *cop starts coloring*
@Dank_Pal: "And for our next lesson, we'll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana" - Rosetta Stoned