I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
What a kind woman! 😂😂
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.