@Robert_Beau: The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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@jackiembouvier: [Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake] You'd better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
@Discourt: Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
@stephenjmolloy: Jesus: "BRAINS!" *everyone looks scared* Jesus: "Just kidding! I'm fine, I'm fine."
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.