The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.