@Robert_Beau: The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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@semple42: There's this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi......ok it's me.
@SatansTongue: *Will smith is alone in his corner, depressed* "Won't Smith," he whispers
@adult_keverage: Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI's.
@BubblesnBooze: I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you'll never know.
@Nahdude83: I was thinking about robbing this sperm bank, but I think they've already seen me coming.
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