The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
He just like my cat fr
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings