Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
this country is so goddamn polarized
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
✌🏽
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?