The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
OH. COME. ON.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.