Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I want what they have
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?