Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent