Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
i choose….tongue
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.