Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
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ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.