How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.