Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
You Might Also Like
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control