@chris_isloi: The reason your car won't go over 60 in the city is because you haven't yelled "HOLD ON!" yet.
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@ceejoyner: Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
@LoveNLunchmeat: [deathbed] Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics? -Just face, Dad. She's very modest She's. A. Dude. *flatlines*
@ceejoyner: wife: you're listening to too much theatrical heavy metal Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.