@chris_isloi: The reason your car won't go over 60 in the city is because you haven't yelled "HOLD ON!" yet.
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@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder? Women: 9:45am on Monday at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
@PussycatPlace: If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
@BlindChow: WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux? ME: u said to groom him WIFE: i meant brush ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding's off DOG: this is bullshit