The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.