The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I just tested negative for patience.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.