@notalogin: The recipe said "prick with a fork," but enough about me.
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@iAmDelFreaky: Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
@abbycohenwl: -Houston, do you copy? -Houston, do you copy? -God damn it, Houston! -God damn it, Houston!
@RobElliottComic: Me: congrats! Are you pregnant? Her: (awkwardly) Noooo... Me: *panics* do you wanna be? -great save- thanks brain
@HiddleDeeDee: A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control--I saved one for my kids. To split.