@notalogin: The recipe said "prick with a fork," but enough about me.
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@DaddyJew: [on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why was that guy yelling at you? [flashback to me ignoring the "one per customer" sign] me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
@JohnLyonTweets: Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.