The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You Might Also Like
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”