*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.