The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You Might Also Like
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination