The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Oceanography is all about current events
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I see your IQ test came back negative
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.