The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.