The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
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jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues