The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Saw online –
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.