Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
You Might Also Like
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany