reverse psychology? that’ll never work
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.