@KagroX: The Republicans haven't got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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@JohnMayer: Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
@xofreckles: Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
@dorkwing_duck: Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED! Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear Fox: you mean... the tooth is out there?
@LizHackett: I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook "Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways."