The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I want this so bad
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The news is so predictable nowadays
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.