The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.