The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
back to work
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”