The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I have a type: disappointing
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no