The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk