LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
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We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese