Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
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[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.