The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Catercrombie & Fish
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge