That’s classic.
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop