My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Well well well…
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*